Obsessive Thought Pattern #13: Why do I need a reason to relax?

As I sit here the day before the new year, I am committed to releasing all the old patterns that no longer serve me – or at least the ones I can manage to get out of my system in the next 24 hours before the apple hits midnight!

I’ve already released 12 in the time between solstice and today, New Years Eve, yet here I sit, recovering achievement junkie just having completed a dance with yet another obsessive thought pattern that from what I can tell does me no good, at least not now at the age of 38. I’d like to leave this old pattern, let’s call it Obsessive Thought Pattern #13 in 2009. Maybe you can relate? Or maybe you have an obsessive thought pattern of your own you’d like to throw off the cliff of 2009 before you give your first New Years Kiss.

My Obsessive Thought Pattern #13: It’s the pattern tied to my inability to relax without having a good reason — and it goes like this.

I wake up on this particular morning and I feel tired. I know that I have lots of things ‘to do’ but my gas tank feels empty. I’ve been working non stop for three days on a deadline, writing and creating to bring inspiration to the world, a noble but exhausting cause. But really no different than the energy any of us women exude on a day when we are taking care of everyone and everything else.

When I wake up with this feeling, I know that I need the morning ‘off.’ That it would be for my best good to not even look at my email til after noon and just take the morning to BE. I am beat tired and I need to refuel. So I say, “Ok, you worked hard these last three days so you deserve the morning off.” And that starts the entire chain reaction of needing to have a reason to relax.

Thought #1: I feel so tired. But WHY am I tired?  (why is often a warning sign for an obsessive thought pattern emerging!)
Followed by:  What did I do wrong to be so tired? Did I work too hard? Not get enough rest? Should I have meditated more? What did I do wrong to make myself tired?

(sane note: it is insane that i need a reason to be tired, as if I can’t just be tired because i am? as if our bodies don’t have natural cycles of high energy and low energy. Am I supposed to be at vibration 100% every day 24/7?)

Then once that circus has finished in my head, the next thought forms…

Thought #2 forms:  Well I am tired, but should I relax or should I do something to charge my energy. Maybe I should go for a walk in the woods? Chant? Breathe? Do Something!
Followed by:  What if just relaxed? After all I am tired, and since I am tired, relaxing would be a good thing to do. Because then once I  recharge, I can do more.

(sane note:  Why is it that in order to relax, I have to be tired? That I need a reason to relax as if my wanting to take care of myself wasn’t a good enough reason? And that I only see relaxing as a means to getting to do more later?)

This is an obsessive thought pattern that I’ve probably had forever, and I didnt really get it until today when I was talking to my friend Catherine  who came over while I was in this circus of my mind, and she said to me something like, “Sometimes I just lay on the floor or in my bed for a whole day or a few hours and watch out the window or listen to the sounds.” Wow, I thought. Really? That sounds nice. My achiever would however go into convulsive spasms if I tried to do that! And yet, her words struck me into a middle ground that led me to the place where I could let go of this obsessive thought pattern…

While I won’t be laying still for hours anytime soon, if I am tired, I am just tired. Don’t need a reason. Just need to ask my body what she needs and do that thing. And while I may be able to do more after I am done relaxing, the reason for relaxing is not just to recharge to do more…. I am relaxing because I am taking care of ME, and taking care of means I am loving ME. And self-love is a good thing that requires no reasoning, even for an achiever like me 🙂