If you could change one thing about your relationship with other girls, what would it be?

Olive, age 13 says:

Overall, there would be a lot of things that I would change about relationships with other girls. I would change how friends communicate with each other and then just how we act towards other girls. A lot of times I find that when one friend has a problem with another friend all they will do is talk about the other person. If you are mad or just annoyed with a friend you should just try to talk to them about it. I do this with one of my friends. Whenever I have a problem with her, I try my best to tell her, and then she tells me some things that have been bugging her. Doing this helps build happier and stronger relationships with your girlfriends.

Something very special about girls is that most of us can tell when someone is gossiping about us, or when someone just doesn’t like this. Of course, this leads to problems. For most of us, it makes us mad which then usually leads to more gossiping and disliking so then the circle continues. The fact is, just because you don’t like the way someone looks or the way they act doesn’t mean that you have to put them down. If this whole circle didn’t happen imagine how much fun we would all have together! In my case, at dances we could ALL dance in a big circle together and laugh together and then we could have a friendly relationship with everyone.

Most girls seem to be naturally catty, so for the most part; we just have to tolerate it and just ignore it. Talking about your feelings to someone is a great start because doing this builds trust. It allows you to have better relationships with almost everyone because then when someone is mad at you they know that they can talk to you and that you’ll understand. Just remember that if you don’t like someone that doesn’t mean that you have to hurt their feelings.

NOTE: When talking to someone about a problem you have with them, be sure not to be too personal and don’t blame it on them. For example: If you’re annoyed that your running buddy is slow, you can’t just say “You’re too slow” instead maybe you could say, “I’ve noticed that we’re not quite at the same pace so maybe we could do a little bit of training this month.”

Christine, age 37, says:

When I was 30 years old, I went to my first “retreat” a.k.a a weekend hanging out with 25 other women trying to improve their lives. It was my maiden voyage into spending three whole days with only women. Truth be told, I had always been one of those girls whose friends were 90% of the boy variety. Only a very few women were allowed in. Unbeknownst to me when I signed up, this retreat would be the start of that percentage shifting the other way. On the day before returning to the “real world” I had a serious “a-ha” or what I have come to call an “epiphanette,” not quite the magnitude of a full-blown epiphany but still very significant.

My epiphanette on this feminine-filled weekend was this: I judged other women all the time. I was a walking judgment machine, whether it was the pretty girl walking down the street who was skinner than me – “She must be a catty, stuck up snob” — or the girl at work who got promoted quicker than me when it was clear (to me) that I was much smarter – “She must have done ‘something’ to get ahead.”

What I finally realized was that these judgments had been keeping me separate from other women all my life. They had set up a me vs. her dynamic and because of that I was missing out on the deep satisfaction that comes from being truly connected to other women. What I started to understand was I had no idea who these “other women” really were. What did I actually know about that pretty girl walking down the street? Maybe her grandmother had just died or maybe she was in a bad relationship. What did I really know about this chick at work? Maybe her lack of self-esteem caused her to over perform or maybe she really did deserve the promotion. These were the thoughts that the epiphanette brought to me… and it changed how I viewed other women forever.

I gave up judging other women that weekend and instead started looking at each of them for the human beings that they were – full of hopes, dreams and fears just like me. It didn’t mean that I started liking every woman I met. But I no longer saw them as the enemy or drew a quick judgment to make myself better or to make her seem like less.

And that is what I would like to change about the relationships we have with women – to stop judging each other and to start seeing each other for the real people we are inside. My hope is that we can stop pitting ourselves against each other and start realizing how much we have in common. My challenge to all of us girls is to step up and choose to offer our open hands to each other instead of our nasty fangs.

Linda, age 60, says:

Oh, the joy of being the “older woman!” Age has taught me something wonderful about my girlfriends… we are who we are. In the years when I was learning about myself as a woman, I chose to only trust and appreciate women who thought and acted as myself. Now I love my women friends for all of our differences as well as our similarities, and that makes the relationships so much more authentic. And that’s where it is with my friends.

On another level, I’m also dealing with women in business as well as the community at large. And this is where my attitude changes. It’s interesting for me to notice how less apt I am to be generous with my tolerance, and how much more quickly I make judgments about the women I encounter on this level. I’m definitely more guarded with this group; it even feels different as I write. Outwardly, I give the appearance of being my true self but inwardly I know that I’m measuring exactly how much of myself I want to reveal.

Sister Friends: warm & fuzzy

Business Acquaintances: calculating & guarded

My Aha! moment came as I was rewriting this entry in thinking about why I approach my business associates in a less-than-authentic manner. There’s a part of me that feels vulnerable when interacting with people I don’t know well. Yet, when I think about what my friends love most about me, it’s my warmth, trustworthiness and genuine self that draws me to them. What if this perceived vulnerability was just an illusion? I’m a strong woman. It takes more than gale force winds to knock me over. I’m going to give that a try this week. Just be Me. I’ll let you know how it goes.