You Can’t Fix Him
3 ways to get what you need without
him having to change a thing
Many women love to play
“fix-it”–transforming people, problems, or relationships,
usually in the name of “helping.” And one of our favorite targets
is men. Have you ever leapt into a relationship with a man you
thought you could “fix”? Have you ever told yourself that you’re
the game-changer–the one woman this man will change for? Chances
are good that you’ve been there. Maybe you’re there now. And it’s
time to stop–because this mission only leads you to one place:
As the former Queen of Fixers, I too
tried to “help,” ahem, fix my guy and failed. I watched my
girlfriends do the same–smart, educated women straight-up lie to
themselves about who their men really were, because they couldn’t
deal with the consequences of the truth. So they bestowed some false
idea of power on themselves that, over time, they could get their guy
to change. Of course, they didn’t possess this power. And no matter
how much they loved him, changed for him, manipulated him or did
whatever game they thought would work, the guy didn’t change, and
they inevitably wound up with broken hearts, lonely lives or stuck in
situations that were really difficult to get out of. Sound familiar?
Too familiar, I say.
It’s time we used our real power
to take the power of love back! Time to stop giving our power to be
and feel loved away to another, and time to start seeing that every
relationship we have starts with one person: ourselves. The truth is,
spending your time, energy and money on trying to change anyone else
is really an indicator that you are not loving yourself.
Commit the following three truths to
memory, stop the love lies, and use the Good Love Actions to start
making choices that bring more love, not more suffering, into your
The Truth About Fixing Men
Appointing yourself as a fixer is
not only arrogant but a sign that you’re avoiding something in your
It’s way easier to focus your energy
on what’s wrong with other people and their lives, rather than turn
the mirror at yourself and get honest about how your life is a mess
or less than what you would have thought. It’s easier to hide your
own self-doubt and pain in the guise of “helping” others, because
when you are busy “helping” someone else, you have no time to be
still, and feel and reflect on your own feelings. Not to mention–who
do you think you are that you can take someone on as a “project”?
Did they ask you to change them? Chances are that you have enough
inside of yourself that needs tending that you don’t need to go out
looking for more.
The healthiest role we can play in a
relationship is to be a partner, not a parent or a preacher. Yes,
encourage your guy to be the best person he can be, but inspire him
to grow by the choices you make for your own life. Don’t push or
drag any man along. You have better things to do than waste your time
and energy on impossible endeavors.
Good Love Action: Inspire your mate
to be his best self by being your best self.
Truth 2: His willingness to change
or not to change has nothing to do with you.
How much a man does
or doesn’t love you is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter how hard you
try, how much you love, or how many ultimatums you issue. Don’t
waste your energy with thoughts like, “If he loved me, he would
change” or “I just need to be patient and he’ll come around.”
His unwillingness to change has nothing to do with you.
We like to fool
ourselves with statements like, “I love my current partner more
than she did, or he loves me more than her, so our relationship
is different.” This too is bull. We don’t love some people more
and others less. As we become healthy and self-aware, we learn to
love better, not more, to choose partners who have the ability
to share their love more completely and clearly.
If he’s not the
man you want today, he won’t be that man tomorrow. A woman who
convinces he’ll turn “good” for her, that she’ll be the one
woman he stays faithful to, stops doing [destructive behavior] for,
or finally settles down with, is lying to herself, and, even worse,
is not loving herself.
Good Love Action:
Don’t date or marry a man’s potential. Love yourself enough to be
honest with yourself and not settle for less than a “good man.”
Truth 3: Changing
the relationship’s level of commitment won’t change him, and if
anything what doesn’t work will get worse.
How many times have
you heard women say things like, “I know that in time, he’ll
change”? How many women convince themselves that after the wedding,
or after they move in together, or once X happens, he’ll be
different? And how many times have you watched these women become
stuck with a man who hasn’t moved an inch? Maybe you’ve been that
woman. In truth, changing the level of commitment in a
relationship–marriage, kids, house–won’t make any man really
change. In fact, often the increased pressure worsens whatever it is
that doesn’t work in the relationship or with him.
like kids and marriage, not to mention financial commitments and the
expectation of deeper levels of emotional intimacy, create stress.
Stress creates fear and fear brings out the worst in people. Unless
you are both committed to self-awareness, self-honesty and
self-growth it will be impossible for the two of you to successfully
navigate all that comes with intimate relationships.
Good Love Action:
Pick a partner who is committed to his own self-growth, who is honest
and self-aware, and who is both willing and able to be a partner on
all levels with you.
Popular author of
Choosing ME before WE, Every
Woman’s Guide to Life and Love, Christine has been
called the Queen of Self-Love. Her insights, fresh perspectives and
daring take on love, in all its forms, have been featured on TV and
radio stations across the country, in the world’s top spas and
retreat centers, and in colleges and corporations. She is the founder
of Madly in Love with ME, an international movement of self-love,
which includes a free self-love kit downloadable at
She is also the co-founder of Inner
Mean Girl Reform School, a virtual school where women go
to transform their self-sabotaging voices into self-empowering ones.