Letting Go of Love
3 ways to feel super loved even when
your relationship is ending
Most of us have been
trained to believe that when a relationship ends, we lose the love of
the person who we once felt so loved by. This belief is an instant
misery-creating lie that is simply not true. The truth is, love is
impossible to lose. Yes, you feel pain because of this breakup, but
not because you’ve lost your former person’s love. You hurt
because endings of any kind are sad. You hurt because you have lost
the dream of what could have been. You hurt because the loss stirs up
your own fears and past pains. You hurt because there is an empty
space in your life that wasn’t there before, a space that you’ve
been told is the loss of love, but it’s not.
The space you feel is an
opening for more love to come into your life – starting with the
love you have for yourself, and then expanding to include all the
love that the world is just salivating to give you. Love is
everywhere, when you are open to receiving it, and when you know
where to look. Opening to love can be hard during a breakup, but I
know no better medicine than love for mending a bruised or broken
If you are interested in
taking yourself off the pain train and moving into a space where you
can honor your sadness and at the same time feel more love, happiness
and possibility, then read on and put these three Love-Generators to
work for you:
1. Tell yourself the
truth. You are not losing love. You are ending a relationship.
Do yourself a BIG favor
and be honest about why your relationship ended, and don’t make it
Love is an easy excuse
when you don’t want to be real about why your breakup is necessary
to stay true to the most important partner in your life … you.
Love is indestructible. It
may get masked or deeply buried under feelings of anger and
disappointment, but even in the most gnarly circumstances, love never
disappears, it just goes into hiding.
Relationships are dynamic,
they are always changing form, and sometimes in order to be happy,
two people have to go their separate ways – which has nothing to do
with love. Relationships end not because the love dies, but because
the intimacy, trust, respect or connection fades, because the
contract with each other completes, or because you each want and need
different things from life. Not all relationships are meant to ‘be
forever,’ if they were, you’d never meet anyone new.
Make a list of all the
reasons why the ending of this relationship is GOOD for you,
necessary for you to live the life you were destined to live. Then,
take an act of self-love and state the reasons out loud. Self-honesty
Know this. You are loved.
Always. And that love, starts and end with you. It’s ridiculous to
give the power of feeling loved away to another, when you have the
power to feel loved at will inside of yourself.
2. Mourn the loss of
the dream, not of the person. And remember your dream didn’t die.
We often cause ourselves
more pain than needed during a breakup because we misplace our
mourning energy and end up grieving more than we need. We’ve
already established that the love lives on, so you can take “loss
of love” off your mourning list. You can also take off ‘grieving
the loss of my ex-person’ – because they are not dead, they just
aren’t sleeping next to you anymore. What is dying and important to
grieve is the loss of the DREAM you had for this relationship. Your
hopes, intentions and co-created dreams came to a crashing halt when
the choice was made to end the partnership, and the loss of those
dreams is where much of the pain lies. But when you aren’t clear
that’s it’s the lost dream you are mourning, you get all caught
up in trying to change and control things you can’t.
So be sad. Get angry. Move
into acceptance and surrender that this particular dream is gone. But
don’t stay stuck there. Keep your mind out of dramatic thoughts
like “My relationship is over!” or “I’ll be alone forever!”
or “What if he finds someone else and loves her more?” Thoughts
like these create unnecessary pain – kind of like poking your
tongue into fresh dental work. Ouch! It hurts. Don’t do it.
Move your focus from what
you can’t control – bringing the old dream back – and dive into
what you can, reconnecting with the dream you have for your life! The
ending of one dream means the beginning of another, and you still
have the power to dream forward the life your heart and soul want.
When you dream yourself
forward, you create more love in your life because you are telling
yourself that you are worth dreaming for. And you are. Yes, the dream
of your former relationship may have ended, but your dreams for
yourself didn’t, so why would you give up on yourself? If you
aren’t dreaming yourself forward, who will? Love yourself enough to
move towards your dreams.
3. Find proof that love
exists everywhere. Fill your life with love.
While you might not be
receiving the oodles of physical love you once did from your former
mate, he/she is not the only love source on the planet. The worst
thing you can do during a breakup is starve yourself from love…
that is the surest way to get your Inner Mean Girl all riled up with
rants like, “You’ll never be loved again.” Which of course, is
a straight up lie.
The best thing you can do
for yourself is to find proof of love and fill your life with it. You
live on a planet that is abundantly full of love – it’s
everywhere – and it’s your job to see it, ask for it, and let it
in. The more love you surround yourself with, the more love you will
feel, and the easier this transition will be for you.
Here is your shopping
list of love generators. Put the list up somewhere you can see it,
and make sure each week you are getting your fill.
Connection creates love. Be with people who
love you. Not to talk about ‘the relationship’ or fix you but
just to be with. Walk. Snuggle. Play. Let them love on you.
those pearly whites to anyone you can – baristas, strangers, the
person sitting next to you on the bus – and when they smile back,
let the love in. When they don’t – and some won’t – smile
anyway and send them love. A great way to feel love is to give it.
sappy love songs, only inspiring, uplifting music for you. Turn it
on, dance it out. This is an instant way to turn your obsessive mind
off and open your heart to love. India Arie is my fave.
Children. Like instant shots of love, hug a
puppy, look into the eyes of a baby, pet a kitty, and just feel
their innocence and love permeate your cells.
nice things for yourself. Take yourself on dates. Do the things you
love. Take a risk. Remind yourself of why you love you. Make an
I-Love-ME list – 108 reasons why you love you. Keep it in your
purse, and on hard days, read it to yourself. Instant love.
About Christine Arylo
Popular author of Choosing
ME before WE, Every Woman’s Guide to Life and Love
Christine has been called the Queen of Self
Love. Her insights, fresh perspectives and daring take on love, in
all its forms, have been featured on TV and radio stations across the
country, in the top spas and retreat centers in the world, and in
colleges and corporations throughout America. She is the founder of
Madly in Love with ME, an international movement of self-love, which
includes a FREE self-love kit downloadable at www.ChooseSelfLove.com.
She is also the co-founder of Inner
Mean Girl Reform School, a virtual
school where women go to transform their self-sabotaging voices into