Settling In Love is Stupid

 In Divorce, Happiness, Marriage, Relationships, Self Love

Okay, I know it sounds harsh, but it’s the truth… settling in our relationships is stupid, and afterme_logo_small.gif spending a week talking about it on the radio, coaching on it with clients, counseling it to friends thinking of leaving their husbands, and remembering the years I myself settled, I have to just say it out loud for everyone to hear, “Let’s all get this one statement straight in our heads and hearts, Settling is a dumb choice, don’t do it!”

And okay, I get that just because it’s dumb, doesn’t stop us from settling. I know that better than most because I did it for 15 years. And I’m not alone, we’ve all settled at some point in our relationship. If you say you haven’t, please write me a note because I want to know who your parents were so I can send them a gold star!

So the why… as far as I can deduce from my own escapades as well as those of my friends and clients, here are two common reasons why we settle:

1. We are too afraid to leave the relationship and ask for more. Instead we brainwash and bargain with ourselves. I call it Love Poker, in which we keep dealing and playing, staying in the relationship and the game, hoping that we will win back our chips, that we will get whatever we feel we are missing. We are too afraid to fold and walk away from the table, to end the relationship, so instead, we convince ourselves of crazy thoughts like, “Well, he’s not always so
bad” and “Maybe I am the crazy one to want these things. Maybe I am
being unreasonable.” We brainwash ourselves! Sure if you are harping on your mate
cuz he’s not the perfect housekeeper or the biggest breadwinner, then
yes, get over yourself. But if you aren’t getting the partnership,
unconditional love and respect your heart and soul crave, “You deserve
to have it, Period! Stop settling.”

2. We are on the escalator to death.  We are on a mission to get to that next life stage — marriage, babies, big house — no matter who we have to settle for to get there. Our focus becomes on attaining the ‘thing’ vs. actually stopping and asking ourselves why it’s really not showing up in our lives, and being real about whether it’s actually what we want, or if we’ve fallen prey to the brainwashing of society that until we have it, we won’t be happy. I’ve been there myself. When I turned 30, it was time to get married. I demanded an engagement and a ring. I got it, only to be broken up with six months later. It would have been a heck of lot less painful if I had just been honest that I was trying to marry this guy for all the wrong reasons, including beating my friends to the altar. It’s demented, but it’s true, and I know I am not the only one.

Which is what compelled me to start a life long love affair with me so that I could stop settling in love by learning to love ME first. After I got that straight in my head, love from another literally showed up on my doorstep when I wasn’t expecting it in the form of a 6 foot 3 inch bald guy named Noah. What did I ‘do’ to make that happen? What can you do to make sure you don’t settle in love? People always ask me this question, and while there are many layers to this, it all starts with two ME-Vows you have to make to you.

Vow #1.  I promise not to settle for less than my heart and soul – not my pocketbook, fear, ego, or parents — really desire. I honor and respect myself so deeply that I only have relationships that do the same.

Vow #2. I promise to be honest with myself, always. Uncompromising, unwavering honesty, about my motivations, my actions and my reality. When I can’t be honest, I will seek out people who can help me find Truth, and listen.

Not settling is a promise and a practice. It’s something that you have to commit to and choose whenever the option to waver comes up. Here’s what I tell myself whenever it seems hard or confusing… Remember that you were given a great gift, your life. Do you want to live it fully and be so happy that joy is streaming out of your ears, or do you want to struggle and suffer because you were too afraid to go after what your heart and soul craved and desired? Choose to live. It’s not that life is too short – it’s that life is too magical, fabulous and precious!

If you want that great love and partnership, be willing to be that love and partner yourself first, and then accept nothing less from another.

To start your ME-love affair today, visit for a FREE self-love starter kit.

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Showing 2 comments
  • Catherine Behan

    Hi Christine,
    I love this entry! I lived for way too many of my 29 year first marriage settling, settling and more settling. Now, with tools well in hand for COMPROMISING, I am thriving with my new man!
    I am also excited to be enjoying the view when I look in the mirror and I am so grateful for that!
    Keep inspiring!
    Catherine Make your dreams come true!

  • Christine Arylo

    HI Catherine – thanks for the post. I will take your COMPROMISING and raise us to COLLABORATING. I too have create this great marriage and I’ve found it is actually possible to both always get what we need when we talk about it and collaborate. I never feel like I have to give anything up because of my relationship. Sometimes it requires some creativity, but we always find a solution that we can both be happy with! No settling 🙂 I think sometimes people think that not settling is about being a hard ass, and it’s not. It’s about knowing in your heart and soul what is truly important to you and then acting from that place. Here’s to self-love! The key to it all. Christine

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